Day 10 of 52 Nia dance challenge
The bitch voice in my brain, the lifelong curator of my dissatisfactions, thinks I’m chubby and graceless. Because of that voice, when I first started dancing with instructor Dael Parsons, I couldn’t look at myself in the studio mirror. An ugly duckling among the swans, I was embarrassed when I caught any glancing image of myself in the mirror.
But I did like the way dancing made me feel so I kept showing up.
Slowly — I’m talking weeks and months and years of slowly — that has changed. Dael had a gentle way of encouraging me to notice myself in the mirror. I began by noticing my feet and ankles, which even the bitch voice could not object to. And as I began to learn the steps, it was fun to see that progress reflected back at me. After a couple of years of dancing, I had internalized Nia’s “your body, your way” mantra sufficiently that I was able to shed almost 20 pounds.
Now I look at myself often when I’m dancing. For one thing, I’m almost always smiling, and should I miss a step or get out of sync, I’m laughing and smiling. In the past, I imagined how I appeared to others and the bitch voice was always there to insist that I looked bad, that everybody was probably thinking it.
But now I know that how I look to others is not my business, and something I am powerless over. How I feel, however, that’s huge, and something I do have power over. I feel good when I’m dancing. I’ve come to learn that feeling good isn’t something I have to wait around for. It’s something I can choose. Weirdly, choosing to smile, helps. Also weirdly, the bitch voice seems to shut up whenever I smile.
A few notes about the 10th day of my challenge. On day 2, my knees bothered me sufficiently that I danced sitting down for the last 10 minutes or so. But I’ve been able to dance without injuring myself by paying attention and dialing down at the first twinge. My longest dance session has been 60 minutes. My shortest has been 40 minutes. I haven’t missed a day.
Susan Palmer's Exquisite Now 